The Waiting.

I am not a patient person.

Over time I have learned to hold off on my irritation for less than spectacular timing, but I still hate waiting. Now, I've started the hardest task of my life -- submitting stories and poems. It is the second round of subbing for me. Last time was a no go and I too a break to learn a little more. For the last six weeks I have been sending out three things per week just to get a feel for it again.

I figured if I kept sending stuff out, eventually it would start looping around as the rejections or (hopefully!!) acceptances came and I could continue on in my merry subbing. The time has come where I have run out of things to sub and now I have to stock pile more of my musings in a sellable way. However, while I'm doing just such a thing I've realized I haven't heard back from anyone yet.

As everyone who will read this blog, published and unpublished writers alike, will tell me that I have to be patient, and that six weeks isn't that long of a time to have to wait for something. Sometimes it takes five months. Other times, it takes a year.

I do understand this. I really do. And I'm going to blame my little whining binge on the fact I'm doubting my writing ability right now and I'm left scratching my head wondering if I did the right thing in sending out my pieces. Because of my blank little lapse in writing, I've had time to think and wonder...sometimes that's not a good thing.

My mind is racing like the slutty girl running for her life in the opening scene of a horror film. We all know how it is going to end for her, bloody and dead. But I can't help it today.

Why do I do this to myself? Why am I stressing myself out when I know that these insane thoughts will only pressure me to have grandeur, maddening thoughts that will trip my mind up on a tree inevitably leading my doomed, unanswered ideas with an ax/saw or icepick.

Will editors look at my stories/poems and laugh in a bad way? Will they not even bother with a response because my work is just so poor? No matter how I prepared, people check my work twice and three times over just to make sure the grammar is correct or that everything is cohesive, what if it still had mistakes?

How do I stop these thoughts before I go crazy?

I'm assuming time will help erase the jittering, panicked feeling of "What was I thinking I could write?!" but for now, I'm left with the waiting.

Maybe I'll learn some patience along the way. I hope I do, but for now I'm going to keep subbing, keep writing and kill those crazy thoughts with my own icepick (before they get me.) There's nothing more I can do, and once I get back into the swing of things, it'll all seem like a bad dream. Right?