The Waiting.

I am not a patient person.

Over time I have learned to hold off on my irritation for less than spectacular timing, but I still hate waiting. Now, I've started the hardest task of my life -- submitting stories and poems. It is the second round of subbing for me. Last time was a no go and I too a break to learn a little more. For the last six weeks I have been sending out three things per week just to get a feel for it again.

I figured if I kept sending stuff out, eventually it would start looping around as the rejections or (hopefully!!) acceptances came and I could continue on in my merry subbing. The time has come where I have run out of things to sub and now I have to stock pile more of my musings in a sellable way. However, while I'm doing just such a thing I've realized I haven't heard back from anyone yet.

As everyone who will read this blog, published and unpublished writers alike, will tell me that I have to be patient, and that six weeks isn't that long of a time to have to wait for something. Sometimes it takes five months. Other times, it takes a year.

I do understand this. I really do. And I'm going to blame my little whining binge on the fact I'm doubting my writing ability right now and I'm left scratching my head wondering if I did the right thing in sending out my pieces. Because of my blank little lapse in writing, I've had time to think and wonder...sometimes that's not a good thing.

My mind is racing like the slutty girl running for her life in the opening scene of a horror film. We all know how it is going to end for her, bloody and dead. But I can't help it today.

Why do I do this to myself? Why am I stressing myself out when I know that these insane thoughts will only pressure me to have grandeur, maddening thoughts that will trip my mind up on a tree inevitably leading my doomed, unanswered ideas with an ax/saw or icepick.

Will editors look at my stories/poems and laugh in a bad way? Will they not even bother with a response because my work is just so poor? No matter how I prepared, people check my work twice and three times over just to make sure the grammar is correct or that everything is cohesive, what if it still had mistakes?

How do I stop these thoughts before I go crazy?

I'm assuming time will help erase the jittering, panicked feeling of "What was I thinking I could write?!" but for now, I'm left with the waiting.

Maybe I'll learn some patience along the way. I hope I do, but for now I'm going to keep subbing, keep writing and kill those crazy thoughts with my own icepick (before they get me.) There's nothing more I can do, and once I get back into the swing of things, it'll all seem like a bad dream. Right?

The Honest Scrap

The good people at Shock Totem have set this blog "challenge" a rollin, and since everyone's jumping I wanted to as well. The point is to post ten things interesting about yourself. Others include K. Wood, PJ Ray, and started off with Mercedes Yardley. It's spreading like an STD but way more fun!! While most other people have led more interesting lives, I figured I'd like to do it as well (even though mine hasn't been so interesting) So here it goes!!

1.) I have picture memories from the time I was nine months old.

2.) I woke up July 18th, 2008 from a dream with voices in my head telling me to write. So I wrote it down, five weeks and five, five-subject Mead notebooks later I'd written my first rough draft of a novel. I've been writing ever since. I always wanted to before but didn't think I had the chops. But now I know that it's what I was always meant to do, and I finally feel right with myself.

3.) I dream in color, and often. I know that I've had a good night's sleep when I remember my dreams. Plus, my dreams are the reason I've never tried any mind-altering drugs. They are so wackadoo that I've too afraid to have any of them actually come into my reality. There are dreams I can still remember having from age ten and up. Those are the ones that are too freaky to forget.

4.) I have a degree in graphic design. Though I love being creative with drawing and painting I loathed working in the industry. I worked for a newspaper for three years, recreating ads; I worked for a logo company, recreating logos; and I worked for a snowboarding company, where I got to create the website, and work on their advertising. I still do some freelancing graphic design for people I gave the biz up because it wasn't for me.

5.) My invisible friends still come around to visit once in awhile.

6.) I have a deep affection for trees. Not in the "tree-hugging hippie" kind of way. But they have a calming affect on me, and in the summer/spring and fall I sit under them to write, read or draw. I love to hike and be in the forest.

7.) I will try anything once. Even if I'm afraid. There's too much out there to let your fears stop you, and I want to experience all of it if I can. If I'm afraid of something, it only spawns my desire to do it more.

8.) I truly believe in the cliche "You can do anything if you put your mind to it." I know that the only person whose stopping myself from getting what I want would be me, and I know that there is nothing we can't do if we set our mind to it. Even if things get hard.

9.) I have fabulous insight about people - good and bad. I don't let my insight prejudiced me. Because I understand that there are many shades of gray out there and not everything is black and white. However, to this day, I have only had one person prove me wrong.

10.) I'm an insanely loyal person. That doesn't mean I'm fickle with my loyalty, but once you're stuck with me, it's hard to lose me. (Of course, unless the #9 comes through and I get proved right.)

Okay! Ten things about me. Now let’s hear ten things about you! I tag YOU! Post the Honest Scrap picture on your blog and dish your dirt. Be sure to drop a comment so that I know you’re doing it. I’d love to come and see what you have to say.

Happy writing!
Hinny

The Mixed-Tape

Recently, I stumbled across one of my old Mixed tapes.

When I was a kid I was short on resources to get music and so I would take a day and record my favorite songs from the "Alternative" radio station, back in 1992. That was when the word "Alternative" didn't stand for the same three Nirvana songs played over and over again like they are today.

Don't get me wrong, I love Nirvana. But...you all know what I'm talking about. Radio kinda sucks now-a-days. Of course it could have sucked then too, but I was twelve we had three stations Top 40 (same three songs rotated,) Country (not in my tea cup, thank-you) and Alternative.

My mixed tape consisted of all sorts of wonderful songs that transported me back to my musically inspired better part of my youth. Then the thought came upon me, what do kids do now? There are no cassettes, and Cd's are rapidly fading into our memories.

I remember my friends and I sharing mixed tapes with one another like they were Tic-Tac's. Or a boy I liked would make me a tape of songs selected by him, my heart would skip a beat. They were the perfect birthday present because it had to be thought out, and it was so personable.

It was always a fantastic treat to hear the music my friends had to offer, usually stolen from their older brother or sister because like I said... radio sucks where I live.

I got to thinking about how one would express themselves through music and do they even do that anymore? If anyone knows, feel free to let me know because the mixed-tape is a terrible thing to waste. Do IPods/MP3 players offer up a mix of music such as this?

Most of my cassettes are so old now the tape is starting to snap. My first STP tape is no longer playable. And many of my cherished songs, which were one of a kind on my mixed tapes, will soon be lost. It saddens me, they were one of the good parts of my youth, brought me many shiny happy times with R.E.M., or filled my heart with good angst, right along with Tori Amos and Smashing Pumpkins...

The day of the mixed-tape is over, but it is something I truly cherish.

The Quest - part 1

In December, I put myself on a quest to start digging into all things horror(know your roots, I always say.) I have found my first leg over and I couldn't be more pleased. I sat down with Bram Stoker and read his beautifully written, albeit somewhat meaty, vampire story DRACULA.

I loved it. Stoker's descriptions and imagery conveyed each spangled scene vividly. I was sucked into each journal entry. You may be asking yourself why I hadn't read it previously, seeing as I work in a bookstore and now, I write horror. *Shrugs* Cause then I couldn't have read it now.

It was an extra door for me to break into, yes. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have seen many, many different vampire inspired movies, I knew the plot for the book so I wasn't too surprised. Then, I went back old school. In the book, UNIVERSAL MONSTERS, they speak of Bela Lugosi. While my knowledge of him prior was based of off the movie ED WOOD, I decided to dig a little deeper. Renting Dracula was by far the highlight of my quest-starting experience. He had played Dracula in New York, and his voice was considered perfect for the vampiric role. However he was not the first choice for the movie. Luck and charm eventually won out for him.

Yes, things are much different with movies now, and it would never fly. But it is the birth of horror movies in the United States. I was tickled with the black and white (which I do love) and everything the story encompassed.

The things the actors used to put themselves through with the make-up alone is horrifying enough to think about. But it was a beautiful piece of work and I'm better for having seen it.

Next, I'm onto Frankenstein. Mary Shelly wrote that book and submitted it for a contest at a time when women weren't really considered able. I'm a little jazzed about this one too!

Of course, when it comes to horror; ie. Gross, twisted, nasty, gnarled stuff always has a good place in my heart.