Monday, October 11, 2010

The Breaks, Cracks and Damage

Holy crab balls has this been exhausting. Many people go through ups and downs, it is a fact of life that the deluge drops when everything around us is falling down. And eventually things re-situate themselves and there should be some lesson that has been learned, if we're lucky.

This being a professional blog (at least for me) I try to give glimpses into my life without getting intensely personal, but I suppose there will be times that it just can't happen. I am, only human after all.

This past month and a half has been a riot of chaos vying for my attention in one form or another. While I am still writing (small bits) there seriously has been no time for anything much more than getting dressed and eating. If I am lucky, I get to play with my sweet children. That is the moment where I get to unwind.

Two years and some odd months ago I woke up from a dream, wrote it down and BLAMO I was a writer. I had an identity a sense of purpose that I never had before. It was a growth spurt that I hadn't seen coming but something that I will never doubt about myself again. I am a writer. It was the first time in my life that I felt that I had something for myself. It was right and good and true. Yes, I didn't know what I was doing, I've stumbled and fallen along the way, but I know that with the hard work I will reach and achieve my goals.

Those goals have been put on hold for now, but I will still get there.

Within the last two years I have blossomed into a woman, into the quirky person who is no longer ashamed of herself, her ideas or her sense of being. It had taken thirty years in the making, but I am here and I have found it.

With this situation, I have started plucking the toxic people out of my life, it has been a hard transition with heartbreaking endings, but each lesson I learn has been pushing me forward towards the woman I see myself as. These past two months have been no different. With my child getting pneumonia, my house falling apart around me, plus a new job at full time hours and new responsibility, my children's school work, play work, my pets, my person has been tested, pulled and mushed back together into a slight lump of who I used to be. The mold of me is still here, I am just reforming and trying to used to this new life.

It is a transition, I know that once the dust settles I will be a bigger, better and stronger me. And I won't stop until I get there, I have a handful of amazing people who have been encouraging and cheering me on. They have seen my uglier moments, stripped down and raw -- slightly crazy (from lack of sleep or from coming home and finding my kitchen floor flooded and not being able to anything about it bc I had to take my son to get an x-ray) they have listened to my absent-minded rambling because my filter for "TMI" has been lost in the lump somewhere. I would not be able to be standing if it wasn't for them.

Thankfully, I know who I am. I do have my identity, my sense of self - the desire of respect, the willpower to hold onto what is most important to me. These are my bones. My skeleton. I am a mother, a writer, a woman. I am a good person, a kind person and a hard worker. I am diligent, strong and caring. I can find honesty even in the worst scenarios and I hold tight to the honesty because I am, nothing more than honest even when it makes me angry, when I want to be petty, selfish and flip the chaos the bird, I can't.

These are the things that get me through where sleep is now a commodity and life has no sense or reason. It is just a series of trials that are tossed at me, waiting to see when or how I will break. But the thing about the breaks, the cracks and the damage is that I know that I will always rebuild.

17 comments:

Aaron Polson said...

"Holy Crab Balls" indeed.

Those kiddos sure need attention (I know), but they're sure worth it, eh?

We're all cheering for you!

K.Hinny said...

Thanks, Aaron :)

K.Hinny said...

Oh and yes, the attention is totally worth it :)

Bambi said...

Hang in there, Hinny. You are an amazing woman. I am proud to know you. ((hugs))

K.Hinny said...

{{{Bambi}}}}

Thanks so much! You are a peach :) And my heart is swollen with sweetness now. I'm proud to know you as well. {{Hugs}}

K.Hinny said...

*blushes*

Lee, thanks. You're too sweet.

Laurie said...

I know they say into every life a little rain must fall, but I think you've had enough to float an ark lately.

Wishing you sunnier days and starry nights. ; )

K.Hinny said...

Thanks Laurie {{{hugs}}}

Bea Sempere said...

Oh, Kara. I’m sorry you’re going through rough times, but CHEERS to “plucking the toxic people out of my life.” It’s a great and healthy step. I know, because I’ve done it my entire life and never looked back. No regrets.

I’ve gotten to know you online over the past year. Blogs serve whatever purpose, but I’ll admit I like getting a glimpse of the blogger. You’re a good person, Kara, and I say this because you’re not a crowd follower. I’ve witnessed you judging based on your experiences with individuals, not based off others, which is a rare quality.

I will send positive thoughts your way and know that things will balance out.

I’ll keep you company on this blog whenever you feel the need to vent, talk or let us know about your accomplishments. Or shoot me an IM through yahoo at writerlydreamz.

Take care of yourself.

Bea

K.Hinny said...

Bea, thank you so much for your kind words. I will keep it in mind and I hope we can get in touch other than via Blog. (Give me a few months, then things will settle down :)

shadowflame1974 said...

Goodness hon! What a wild ride for you over these past weeks.

You know, you WILL be stronger for all of this. Some days might not feel worth it, but it will settle and shift and set itself to rights.

I've been there.

Hugs

K.Hinny said...

Thanks Shadow! Your support means the world to me :)

Demon Hunter said...

You continue to do an excellent job too. ;-)

K.Hinny said...

Thanks Tyhitia! :)

abrokenlaptop.com said...

You're absolutely beautiful and very, very loved.

-Mercedes

K.Hinny said...

{{{Mercedes!!}}} Thank you so much! You are super sweet. :)

Kelly Kyle said...

good job Writery Girl....like your blog...totally random how i found you. But glad i did. I have started a new intense writting in my blog too....never knew I had writing in me either. BAM! A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.... so, keep on truckin' and play with your kids more........ your blogger friend...kelly you can find me at www.creativeARTbyKelly.blogspot.com