It had been three months to the day since I've written a blog post (yesterday), it has been longer than that since I have written on the message boards, visited the sites of magazines I hold dear to my heart and exchanged witty banter with people cut from the same writing cloth as I am. I have secluded myself from the world because I didn't know how to handle the world I had finally chosen all on my own... and now, I am taking a jump.
To say that I am nervous is an understatement. I don't know where or how to take the first step towards the place I used to be. The place where I was most comfortable at. So I am blogging, writing, and I am continuing forward until I find that place where I fit, snuggled in nicely, just like I once was.
These are my wobbly baby-steps.
Here is something that is blatantly obvious about me, I never do something unless I am ready, I have an inane need to be prepared. I over analyze like no one's business, I look under the hood, examine the undercarriage, poke the sleeping bear to see if it's still in hibernation mode, jump on the mattress to make sure the springs bounce but don't snap, stretch and pull at them to make sure they don't break and do about one million other things to prepare myself for any sort of problems that may come up for me. And what I have figured out from all of this, through three months (longer if you count the non-attendage of the writing message boards) of "waiting to be ready," is that I am stalling.
And what am I stalling from? What has caused me to be so very cautious? What in the world am I waiting for? A sign? An ephiphany? Another dream that takes me off to a magical place where the characters invade every aspect of my being?
Maybe I am. But I have made a decision, whether I am ready or not, I am taking this leap. I can not wait anymore. While it doesn't fit yet, the sweater can be dampened and pulled to fit me. I don't have to keep searching for the perfect situation, the perfect opportunity, the perfect solution. Because, to be completely honest with myself... nothing is "Perfect," ever. It is only my attitude that causes perfectly-flawed me...I am saying this because, with all of my flaws, my over-analyzing things, running over the same thought again and again and again, like a top that never drops, I am right where I need to be. Is there a better time than that?
I don't know. But I am going to find out.
And from here, I jump.