Thursday, February 3, 2011

Lessons, plans and a little jig to get ya going...

Over the past six months, as I have stated in an earlier blog this week, I have been waiting around for life to situate itself. I am uncomfortable with disarray and have a hard time, when things don't go exactly the way they are supposed to, dropping any anxiety that I have.

Now, I previously thought I had gotten over this little quirk of mine last year, through some help with some extremely good people. However, going through my "new" little experience, I realized I was wrong.

In June of 2010, the doggie poo hit those big metal blades and spread it as far as the eye could see. Every single aspect of my life changed. Not for the worse, but even the good changes take some time to adjust. As I look back on the last months and see my major fo paux's I can take comfort in the fact of knowing while it was (and still is) hard, I have learned a valuable lesson.

Just because I am "adjusting," doesn't mean I stop being me. It doesn't mean that I have to stop living my life and doing the things I enjoy. Just because I don't like how I feel (Tense, anxious, frustrated, helpless, hopeless) doesn't mean that I have to just roll over and watch reruns of whatever was on Bravo. Instead of accepting how I was feeling, I let it rule me.

That is not saying that I didn't do what I had to do, I nursed my sick children, bandaged and tourniqueted the house when it needed to be done. I went to work and capably fixed problems that came my way. But, I still wasn't happy. I couldn't figure out what in the world was wrong with me.

I was continually moving forward, still my feet were spinning circles, Shaggy. (I don't like to be stuck in a metaphysical sense.) I talked people's ears of (close friends, loved ones, not random strangers....cept that one time) trying to physically "Talk" my way back to happy. It still didn't work. While nothing was incredibly wrong, nothing was incredibly right either.

I have to laugh at myself, if someone came to me eight months ago and told me I would have had this problem I would have told them that was their opinion and that they were wrong. I had adopted a zen-ish way of thinking, but it got buried beneath the rabble.

So, I set myself on a "quest" if you will, cooking + writing + quit smoking (for longer than five weeks) + exercise = A Happy Kara. I didn't formulate the plan it just sort of came to me. I KNEW this plan would make me feel better, it had to, that was what I was missing, the Organization! It didn't. I was going through the motions of every day life, doing things to make myself feel better, and I still had a tension in my jaw that felt as if it would snap if I tried to speak.

Then, I got a piece of advice that actually spoke to me, in a different way. A sweet woman told me, "You don't have to like it." Meaning the tension that I was feeling, the zombie-like attitude I have had towards tackling the things in my life. And, she was right. I don't have to like it. I am sitting here tense and frankly uncomfortable with myself. But, I changed my glasses.

I can do anything I set my mind to. (So can anyone, I just want to add that bc I whole-heartily know this) I don't have to always feel light, or even, like I used to. I am still adjusting and just because I have had some negative feelings/doubts about many aspects of my personal being, doesn't make them true. It doesn't mean that I have to dig a whole on my couch and wriggle myself in there just because I don't like how I feel. That will go away. But only with time. No epiphany, or activity (no matter how much I enjoy it,) will just *poof!* give me back the peace of mind I once had.

Yes, I know. It's so simple -- I thought I knew this, but I didn't, not really.

My mind still races at night, my jaw is still tense, I still don't like the way I feel.

But now, I accept it, and I can move forward without those sticky shoes.

Ah, and... the jig, enjoy! Have a great day, everyone!!


Bea Sempere said...

I'm like you, I get anxious when things don't go my way, but I'm overcoming that bit by bit. She's right, you don't have to like it. There are a thousand things in my life I didn't like, about me I didn't like, but they are part of what make me, ME. Same for you.

And it's because of these things that you won't be the same Kara. As life changes so do you. There will be moments you won't be crazy about yourself or life, BUT there are plenty more moments where you will love it.

You're coming along and realizing this with the rest of us. Take care.

P.S. Um...I might take you up on your offer regarding the comment you left on my blog.

Laurie said...

Great point - you don't (we don't) have to like it. Poo does have a way of getting deep under the skin when it hits the fan and it doesn't feel nice.

A ha-yuge piece of poo hit my fan about 8 years ago, one so big I've been told it'll never go away and is something I'll just have to live with. A lot of the time, I don't like how I feel - either in my head or in my body - and the more I think about what isn't right, doesn't feel right, isn't the way I want it, the worse I feel. I had to learn to find the spots under my skin not saturated in poo.

Nothing is ever the same after the poo is flung and the cleaning up after is often a lot harder to manage than getting hit with the mess in the first place. But, there's an opportunity there - to learn more about the person we are underneath that we ever could have before the poo-age, to shed the bits you're better off without, to find the bright spots and polish the them til they shine like the sun. Or the blade of a finely sharpened cleaver, whichever you prefer. ;)

You're an awesome person, Lady Kara. You'll make it through the poo. Remember, you have lots of us alongside you, scrubbing away, looking for the bright spots, too.

Thanks for the jig, btw. ;)

Kara McElhinny said...

Bea, send it to me via email whenever you wish, lady! :) Thanks for the sweet support!

Laurie, I hope that everything works out for ya. {{{{HUGS}}}}to you and for your poo. Thanks for shining, I'm here to shine yours too if ya need it. :)

onipar... said...

I'm glad to hear things are getting back on track for you. I also have found that a few simple things could help make me happier and more content. Cooking is also one of mine, as is hiking (or just getting out in the woods), going to the farmer's market, and growing a vegetable garden.

Again, glad to hear things are better now.

Lee Thompson said...

You always amaze me, babe.

Kara McElhinny said...

Thanks, Onipar. I'd love to hike too, but I don't have the proper hiking/winter equipment! Enjoy yourself if you go :)

Thanks, Lee!!

Tyhitia Green said...

You'll get back on track in no time, Kara. You're a tough cookie. ;-)

Glad you realized that you must go on, no matter what life throws at you. We all do. ;-)

This post made me think of SOUL TO SQUEEZE by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. :-D

I'll be calling you soon. ;-)

Kara McElhinny said...

Great, Tyhitia! I can't wait to hear from you!! Hope you're doing well and I'll have to check song and listen to the lyrics :)

Angela Ackerman said...

Anxiety is tough to overcome, and brings so many other negative emotions with it. But it sounds like you're moving in the right direction. Hugs!
Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

Mercedes said...

Oh, I hear you, Kara! We don't have to like it, but we have to do it. Sometimes the only way out is through. :)

Love and support and lots and lots of more love! :D

Kara McElhinny said...

Thanks, Angela!! Hope you're doing well!!

Thanks, Mercedes!! Right back to ya, chic!