Over the past six months, as I have stated in an earlier blog this week, I have been waiting around for life to situate itself. I am uncomfortable with disarray and have a hard time, when things don't go exactly the way they are supposed to, dropping any anxiety that I have.
Now, I previously thought I had gotten over this little quirk of mine last year, through some help with some extremely good people. However, going through my "new" little experience, I realized I was wrong.
In June of 2010, the doggie poo hit those big metal blades and spread it as far as the eye could see. Every single aspect of my life changed. Not for the worse, but even the good changes take some time to adjust. As I look back on the last months and see my major fo paux's I can take comfort in the fact of knowing while it was (and still is) hard, I have learned a valuable lesson.
Just because I am "adjusting," doesn't mean I stop being me. It doesn't mean that I have to stop living my life and doing the things I enjoy. Just because I don't like how I feel (Tense, anxious, frustrated, helpless, hopeless) doesn't mean that I have to just roll over and watch reruns of whatever was on Bravo. Instead of accepting how I was feeling, I let it rule me.
That is not saying that I didn't do what I had to do, I nursed my sick children, bandaged and tourniqueted the house when it needed to be done. I went to work and capably fixed problems that came my way. But, I still wasn't happy. I couldn't figure out what in the world was wrong with me.
I was continually moving forward, still my feet were spinning circles, Shaggy. (I don't like to be stuck in a metaphysical sense.) I talked people's ears of (close friends, loved ones, not random strangers....cept that one time) trying to physically "Talk" my way back to happy. It still didn't work. While nothing was incredibly wrong, nothing was incredibly right either.
I have to laugh at myself, if someone came to me eight months ago and told me I would have had this problem I would have told them that was their opinion and that they were wrong. I had adopted a zen-ish way of thinking, but it got buried beneath the rabble.
So, I set myself on a "quest" if you will, cooking + writing + quit smoking (for longer than five weeks) + exercise = A Happy Kara. I didn't formulate the plan it just sort of came to me. I KNEW this plan would make me feel better, it had to, that was what I was missing, the Organization! It didn't. I was going through the motions of every day life, doing things to make myself feel better, and I still had a tension in my jaw that felt as if it would snap if I tried to speak.
Then, I got a piece of advice that actually spoke to me, in a different way. A sweet woman told me, "You don't have to like it." Meaning the tension that I was feeling, the zombie-like attitude I have had towards tackling the things in my life. And, she was right. I don't have to like it. I am sitting here tense and frankly uncomfortable with myself. But, I changed my glasses.
I can do anything I set my mind to. (So can anyone, I just want to add that bc I whole-heartily know this) I don't have to always feel light, or even, like I used to. I am still adjusting and just because I have had some negative feelings/doubts about many aspects of my personal being, doesn't make them true. It doesn't mean that I have to dig a whole on my couch and wriggle myself in there just because I don't like how I feel. That will go away. But only with time. No epiphany, or activity (no matter how much I enjoy it,) will just *poof!* give me back the peace of mind I once had.
Yes, I know. It's so simple -- I thought I knew this, but I didn't, not really.
My mind still races at night, my jaw is still tense, I still don't like the way I feel.
But now, I accept it, and I can move forward without those sticky shoes.
Ah, and... the jig, enjoy! Have a great day, everyone!!