Friday, February 18, 2011

Uncertainty Is The In The Eye Of The Fear-Holder

For the last three weeks I have been fiendishly searching for a job. The thing is, it's not that I want a new job, I like my bookstore work and I am good at it, but changes in my life have caused me to need what the bookstore can not offer. And so, I am on a hunt.

I have had some luck with the job search, getting at least four interviews and another one next week. Sadly, I shot the pooch in the toe and have yet to land a job. What is funny is that rejection for a job is similar to a rejection for writing a story. It happens, it's a part of life and with each rejection we're supposed to learn something new, takes something away from it and continue on until we find out the right way to get what we want.

But what happens when uncertainty creeps up inside of us?

It freaks me out, that is what it does.

What if I am not good enough? What if I am just deluding myself, what if...what if...what if... on and on in a crazy beading cycle of negative dervishes that begs to pull me down.

(Here comes the super part)

I like my bookstore job; I enjoy the customers (fodder for fiction) that come into my store. I enjoy the activity and the constant change up of not knowing what is going to happen at any given day, I like the challenge it provides me with, I enjoy my fellow employees. I had a plan and I did not stick to it.

I am freaking myself out for no reason whatsoever.

Originally, I was going to try to get some contract writing jobs, plenty of writers freelance for contract sites and while some places are frauds, I am smart enough to know what is and what isn't. And yet, writing "test" mandated from the site I want to go for is (still) sitting on my desktop, waiting for me to finish it.

How is that possible? I set myself goals and I accomplish them. That is what I do, that is what I have done in the past and that is what is going to spur my happiness for the future. Yes, I have been bogged down with a certain amount of stress, but this is nothing none of us doesn't go through, being overwhelmed plays a big part in this. I don't know which direction to go first. I keep telling myself that I will get this writing contract stuff done...but later.... and it turns out, I'm afraid.

Fear is shivering inside of me in a tense little package (with a purple bow to boot) because I haven't written non-fiction for some time now, what if they turn me down, what if it isn't good enough, then my plan to stay at the bookstore and work from home will be destroyed so I am nipping it in the bud before I even try. What if, what if, what if, what if..... again, I have shot myself in the finger without even realizing what I did.


And so, the point! *cries of "Finally" come belting in from the peanut gallery*

Tomorrow, despite my fear, I WILL sit down, I WILL research what I need to, I WILL finish my goal! Uncertainty be damned! (It's the exclamation mark that makes it seem like I am braver than I am, trust me, I am still terrified.) I WILL finish what I started, brush the "what if's" into the blowing wind and box their ears when they come back!

I am still going to continue my hunt, but at least, I will know that I did it my way.

Happy Weekend!


h said...

Good deal Kara. I am dealing with similar issues now with my job search. it takes a lot out of me to put forth the effort req'd to edit my resume all pretty for each specific job and then the cover letter too! it is overhwleming, and at the very bottom of my pile of overwhelm, is the fear. the deep dark fear of rejection. the concept of not being good enough, or simply someone else might be better. no one wants to hear that. it's depressing. but as difficult as it is, we still have to try, because the worst that can happen is that we will be turned down. and i suppose that is marginally better than having never tried in the first place. so, together now, in the spirit of the little engine, "i think i can, i think i can, i think i can... you can do it!!!!
oh and p.s. thanks for the reading material, my current job stomps on my soul all day telling me that i am useless. this helped!

Lee Thompson said...

I have faith in you, hon. You'll conquer that fear. I've seen you do great and wonderful things, and I'll witness many more.

Aaron Polson said...

This too shall pass. You will conquer, slay, destroy, crush, etc. the fear and win the day. ;)

Tyhitia Green said...

You'll do well in all the areas you want to. ;-)

Have a great weekend yourself. :-D

Bea Sempere said...

Good for you Kara. Looking for a job is scary...I know...I already started. And the fear of rejection for your writing is understandable. I'm a chicken when it comes to my writing, constantly worrying if I'm good enough, if I chose the right path. I won't know unless I try.

It's unfortunate that you need to leave a job you enjoy. Enjoying what you do is one of the most important things in life, and yet, many of us don't.

I wish you luck with your writing and job hunt. I have plenty of freelance sites I search, so if you want any just give a holler.

P.S. I submitted my poems to Black Label Books. Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it.

Diane Dooley said...

I'm on the job hunt too and going through the same self doubt. We can do it, Kara! Good luck to us both.

Anonymous said...

*hugs* Kara, you have such an amazing heart and are so great at articulating what's inside you. That right there is what makes a good writer. Good luck with the job hunt and kudos to you for putting your priorities and goals back on top!

Kara McElhinny said...

Wow, thanks guys and dolls! I sincerely don't know what to say. Good luck to those who have donned the safari garb and rifle with me, I know you can all find the jobs that are there waiting for you. Thank you again for all of the heartfelt and support!! I appreciate it always!!

Happy writing, reading and living folks!