The Breaks, Cracks and Damage

Holy crab balls has this been exhausting. Many people go through ups and downs, it is a fact of life that the deluge drops when everything around us is falling down. And eventually things re-situate themselves and there should be some lesson that has been learned, if we're lucky.

This being a professional blog (at least for me) I try to give glimpses into my life without getting intensely personal, but I suppose there will be times that it just can't happen. I am, only human after all.

This past month and a half has been a riot of chaos vying for my attention in one form or another. While I am still writing (small bits) there seriously has been no time for anything much more than getting dressed and eating. If I am lucky, I get to play with my sweet children. That is the moment where I get to unwind.

Two years and some odd months ago I woke up from a dream, wrote it down and BLAMO I was a writer. I had an identity a sense of purpose that I never had before. It was a growth spurt that I hadn't seen coming but something that I will never doubt about myself again. I am a writer. It was the first time in my life that I felt that I had something for myself. It was right and good and true. Yes, I didn't know what I was doing, I've stumbled and fallen along the way, but I know that with the hard work I will reach and achieve my goals.

Those goals have been put on hold for now, but I will still get there.

Within the last two years I have blossomed into a woman, into the quirky person who is no longer ashamed of herself, her ideas or her sense of being. It had taken thirty years in the making, but I am here and I have found it.

With this situation, I have started plucking the toxic people out of my life, it has been a hard transition with heartbreaking endings, but each lesson I learn has been pushing me forward towards the woman I see myself as. These past two months have been no different. With my child getting pneumonia, my house falling apart around me, plus a new job at full time hours and new responsibility, my children's school work, play work, my pets, my person has been tested, pulled and mushed back together into a slight lump of who I used to be. The mold of me is still here, I am just reforming and trying to used to this new life.

It is a transition, I know that once the dust settles I will be a bigger, better and stronger me. And I won't stop until I get there, I have a handful of amazing people who have been encouraging and cheering me on. They have seen my uglier moments, stripped down and raw -- slightly crazy (from lack of sleep or from coming home and finding my kitchen floor flooded and not being able to anything about it bc I had to take my son to get an x-ray) they have listened to my absent-minded rambling because my filter for "TMI" has been lost in the lump somewhere. I would not be able to be standing if it wasn't for them.

Thankfully, I know who I am. I do have my identity, my sense of self - the desire of respect, the willpower to hold onto what is most important to me. These are my bones. My skeleton. I am a mother, a writer, a woman. I am a good person, a kind person and a hard worker. I am diligent, strong and caring. I can find honesty even in the worst scenarios and I hold tight to the honesty because I am, nothing more than honest even when it makes me angry, when I want to be petty, selfish and flip the chaos the bird, I can't.

These are the things that get me through where sleep is now a commodity and life has no sense or reason. It is just a series of trials that are tossed at me, waiting to see when or how I will break. But the thing about the breaks, the cracks and the damage is that I know that I will always rebuild.

The Tag! A Meme of Questionable Proportions.

My friend, Mr. Ben Solah, likes to play tag and I'm it! He stated something about people hating Meme's, but I find them quite enjoyable, although I haven't done one since I only had about two followers -- I believe it's time again, don't you? :)

1. If you could have any superpower, what would you have? Why?

The ability to absorb anyone elses power. Rogue is my favorite superhero. She rocks.

2. Who is your style icon?

"People either answered this as a fashion style icon, or a writing style icon. Both change for me all the time and depending on my mood." - From Ben, himself but it rings true for me as well.

As for writing, I have to say that I was literally blown away with Charles Bukowski's writing style the way it is haphazardly placed in such a strategic way that it appears unintentional, but know that it can not be.

With Fashion, I am currently in the moment of finding my fashionista style. I like the vintage look it's fun and quirky just like me. But I also love anything black, it looks fabulous on me. :)

3. What is your favorite quote?

Oh, geeze. There really are so many quotes, I'm afraid to pick just one. However I will go with the one which popped into my mind when I first read the question. Does that make it my favorite? I have no clue, but it must mean something, right?

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." Elenore Roosevelt.

I really adore the positive quality and the rightness of this statement, and once you get "it" it's hard to allow anyone else and their opinions bother you.

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Hmmm... well, this is sort of an odd question, eh? No direct quote comes to mind but it has to be when my best friend Andrea, told me what she really thought about me and I was shocked to find out how she saw me in such a positive light that it brought tears to my eyes.

5. What playlist/CD is in your CD player/iPod right now?

I don't have an iPod, but I do have an MP3 player which contains: Amanda Palmer, Regina Spektor, Sonic Youth, Rufus Wainwright, David Bowie, Ingrid Michealson, Vampire Weekend, Kate Nash, Mirah, Ben Folds, RadioHead, Primative Radio Gods, The Dresden Dolls, PJ Harvey, Pixies, Lily Allen, and Danny Elfman.

6. Are you a night owl or a morning person?

That is a tough question. I have to say that I am salted of both night owlish qualities and chipper morning qualities. I'm a friend to both, and it just depends on the day (she says writing this at 2:46am)

7. Do you prefer dogs or cats?

I always believed that I was a cat person, but I have to say that in the last couple of months my pup, Riley, has really been there for me when I've needed her. She senses things that my kitten, Agador just doesn't seem to want to be bothered with, and while I appreciate his independence I certaily adore Riley's loyalties.

8. What is the meaning behind your blog name?

The meaning behind my blog name....lol, well anyone who knows me for more than a passing comment knows of the crazy warble and fantastic random garble in my head. It only seemed appropriate that I honor it with the title for my blog. I had an instance last year where I had to start a new blog, thankfully, I got to use a similar and better title. :)

Now it’s time to tag other people… (I always hate this part, bc I love all of the blogs I follow.)

Laurie Dalzell

Lee Thompson

Aaron Polson

Alan Davidson

Bea Sempre

Onipar

ShadowFlame

Cate Gardner

Demon Hunter

Paula Ray

Mercedes Yardley

Mailie Mac

And that's it, please feel free to take the Meme for yourself, and considered yourself "ghost" tagged if I didn't toss your name up there, you are still "IT!"

AHAH! And a must note right here ---> Mr. Lee Thompson and I are throwing a contest, sadly I have been slightly lax in promoting it (slaps wrists with a ruler, bad Kara! Bad!!), but there is still time, please show us your talents and pop over here (CLICK!) to see the rules, regulations formulas that will help you win the kickassidness prizes that Lee is giving out to those deemed most talented (yet there is no crow but other stuff that is almost as good such as -- 1st Place: A One-year subscription to Dark Discoveries (or another mag if you're already subscribed to DD. If you are, great! They rock!); 2nd Place: An awesome Tee from The Bag and The Crow! Mine makes me look edgy! You want to look edgy too, don'tcha?; 3rd Place: An awesomely random book, but I can tell you this: It will be from the super cool Tasmaniac Publications. I've got a ton of their books and they're dyn-o-mite. :)), enter! Do it! What's the worse that could happen??

Have a great and wonderful day, lovelies!

Happy writing :)

The Work

I've been hinting with each post that my life has had some upheaval, that things are never what they seem and that I will soon be working my way back into the writing world, the community I miss so very much. While all of those statements are vague but true, I have to say it's going to take some work.

Precious planning and baby steps have gotten me to the point where I am at least ready to blog again. I am working more, and spending more time with my children as a single parent. My life has been turned upside down and while I understand the harder times that may befall on me, I am pleased with the new challenges, tasks and life set ahead of me.

Things are slowly working their way back, where I want them to be. Where I've been striving to get to for so long to be honest it *is* hard work.

Not that any one thing that I have to contend with is difficult. I received a new position at my job, it's an adjustment and temporary, but I'm excited nonetheless. A lot of change has come my way in a brief and short four weeks. Being a parent to my children is nothing new, writing is a little over two years old and keeping my house in order is something I did frequently as a stay-at-home mom.

Most of the transition I am feeling is just that... my feelings. And thankfully, for me, I have wonderful people in my life to help me sort out the muckity muck -- the being hard on myself for not being "supermom" right away or even just taking the time it takes to make my way into my new life. I have most of the stuff down pat, which is part of the reason I do become hard on myself, because I do know I can do it. I have done everything I need to take on this new endeavor with flying colors. I am just not ready to do it. It's the waiting that's grating on me (no, I did not mean to rhyme, but it adds a little funness to the post, don't you all agree?) every time I think I get a handle on something, a little pebble comes in and trips me. I stumble a little, but I keep going. I know that only baby steps will get me there, one goal at a time and to be cliche, one foot in front of the other (yes, I know I can do better, but a little cliche goes a long way sometimes.)

There is little that I am afraid of, being stuck in the same place is one of my true fears, it grips me wholly and completely and helps add a certain panic to an already intense situation. But, I believe, once I get over that and start to trust in myself -- know that I am not going to become stuck -- once again, I will find my balance.

Once I accept this, the work will come naturally. And only with work, will I be able to achieve myself.

The Publishment!

Hey! There's a new poem of mine up at EveryDayPoets! This is one where the editors were very wonderful and worked with me to help me get the poem just right!!

With A Full Heart

Another Love poem, but it has a nice little dark tinge to it!

Thanks for reading!!

Happy Writing!
Kara

The Break

And it's official. Two months, almost to the day, my brain has ceased to pass words to my fingers. Yes, I've had little blurbs here and there and it's been rough, my life has taken an unscheduled, but absolutely necessary stop. It wasn't a block, it was more of an emotional strike. With all that has been going on, Mackenzie (my muse) had kindly scooted back to the corner to sit within the shadows. She's sipped on red wine in her leather boots, patiently braiding and unbraiding her auburn hair, catching flies between chopsticks, flicking her nails, doing interesting things that she has yet to share with me. Her patience waning.

Before my little break, I was under the assumption that I wrote because I wanted to, not because I had to. I'm not a "have to" kind of person, I've stricken those words from coming cross my lips for several different reasons. Plus, I'd gone many years without writing and while there was a piece of me missing, I wasn't completely unhappy. However, now that I have gone on the great journey, traveling through my mind in a gossamer string of cleverly webbed words, nothing feels the same.

And now, I have to say, I was wrong.

I have to write.

It's not as though I'm suffering from physical withdraw, not at the current moment anyway, it's more of a metaphysical angst. The pain in my heart because I've not written much over the past two months is great, and I never thought I would feel something like this.

Yes, I know, it's different.

The past few days have actually been almost excruciating, Mackenzie whispering small thoughts to me in her fantastic way, buttering me up for the time, in a few days I'm assuming, when I'm ready to jump back on the writing wheel. It's a feeling that is enthralling, yet scary. I'm not one that gives up - breaks are, sometimes, an evil we all may have to endure at one point or another. I'm not beating myself up for it. My RL wouldn't have been able to take the strain of another obstacle added, in my case it was not a decision I made willingly, it just sort of happened. But now, I know, I'm ready for the break to end. It's time, and I believe that with a certain amount of semblance in place that I am ready to take on the words and thoughts, the musings and whispers of my muse. I can only imagine where she will take me, or where I will find myself again. I'm looking forward to it.

Slowly, but surely I will work my way back, I'm ready!

The Playground...revisited.

Ahhhh, the leaves are changing colors, big yellow monster's are swallowing small children into their bellies, taking them to a place where they will be tortured with books and learnin'. Now, that my children are back in school and life has started to situate itself in the way that it normally does after a typhoid, I would like to revisit and recycle this lovely blog post. It's one of easier times, innocence and the surprising nature of childhood behavior. Please enjoy...

The Playground

Once a month I go to my son's elementary school to help out with lunch-- there are no hairnets or rubber gloves on when I go. The parents help out, its something nice that our school does, the are parent involved and lets the kids know the parents care. It's kind of fun actually.

I don't do anything super great, get spoons and forks when they are needed. Say "Yes" when they ask to go to the bathroom, open up packages or milk if it's warranted.

But as I walk around the lunchroom, the murmurs of children combine together in a cacophonous tone which reverberates off of the walls and I find myself not bothered, instead I tune out the pandemonium and watch.

Children have the most interesting way of doing things. Their minds work in wondrous ways. They allow curiosity of the unknown drive them, not caring about the world around them. If they want to mix chocolate milk and ranch dressing together, eat it (or drink it) they do. They get so excited and proud of the mystery fluid they concocted, they feel the need to tell someone about it. OR if they can't eat the apple their mother packed for them, because their teeth are missing, they figure out another way... using a spoon no less.

Not sure many adults would think of something so far away from the norm. They would, most likely, find a knife and cut the apple in several pieces. It is more practical that way. But kids don't care about practicality, they set their sights and won't worry about the obstacles... they just do.

As we move out to the playground my fascination grows. Watching the girls run as fast as they can, remembering the feeling of the wind whipping through my hair and just how freeing it really felt. Never losing my breath afterward, I would just pick up and start running again. Not bothering with the people surrounding me, not worrying if they were watching me or not. I just ran because it felt good and I liked it.

Kids pick up all sorts of things outside. Amazing things that, to them, are treasures. I have seen them bring small trophies up to the TA with so much excitement they are practically shaking, only to show a sunflower seed someone must have dropped while eating a snack. It doesn't matter, they won't think about where it came from, instead they will place it in their pocket and keep it as a trinket for a short while.

Now that spring is here and the ground is no longer wet, the kids play this marvelous game. I was told it was a twist on dodgeball, because instead of throwing it, you kick the ball. If the other team catches it then the kicker is out.

But these kids changed the rules.

They play differently, they separate into grades, there is no picking... no one is chosen last. One grade on one team, the other grade on the other team. They kick the ball and catch it, and kick it again. No one wins, no one loses, no one scrutinizes, a never ending game of fun.

I'm told that they changed the rules of their own accord, they didn't want anyone's feelings to get hurt and this was their decision. I've been told that teachers and the principal even have tried getting them to play different games ie. football, basketball, soccer. But they always go back to this game... it is incredible really.

I think we forget, when we grow up just how good it feels to not have any worries, to be carefree, yes... not everything is hunky dory for kids. But do you remember what it was like to peddle your bike so fast up the hill that you thought your legs were going to fall off, just to see if you really could jump it at the top? Do you remember how it felt if you did get off the ground, even if it was just a hair? It felt like you were flying...

When does the innocence go away? Why does the outside world effect us so much? Is life really so stressful that we can't just let go and feel the breeze in our hair again? What are we afraid of?

The Strange Awards :)

*Cranks the rust off the unused door of bloggy*

*flexes fingers*

Aaaaaaand GO!

Hello my bliggidy blogger friends, I have not forgotten you!! Nor have I forgotten my blog, big changes in my RL have caused me to cease and desist on more the more pleasurable aspects of my life at the moment. But onto bigger and stranger news!!! (Thanks to Mr. Alan W. Davidson and Onipar for my doubly nominated Strange award!!)

The 'Strange Men in Pinstripe Suits' award is given to only the strangest of folk, and as the recipient of such you are deemed very strange indeed. Congratulations. Now you must go forth and celebrate the strangeness of friends (and strangers - strangers are always allowed) by nominating blogs run by strange folk. *Beware, some people don't like you to refer to them as strange…Try to avoid them if possible.

Note that Cate Gardner's short story collection 'Strange Men in Pinstripe Suits' is forthcoming this October from the fine folks at Strange Publications.

Some rules:

1. Add the logo of the award to your blog post.

2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you (don't mess with strange people).

3. Nominate seven other blogs telling us why you think the recipient is strange enough to deserve the award.

4. Leave a message for those nominated on their blogs.

5. And, if you email catephoenix(at)gmail(dot)com and tell her you've received the award for your strangeness, she'll enter you in the biggest kick-ass Strange Men competition ever. Details over at strangemeninpinstripesuits.com (click on the award link on the home page)

So them be the rules behind this strange contest. Do check out her link as there a some cool prizes available.

And so I bequeath this award, and all the accompanying strangeness, to the following people who are among the most strange that I know (and adore like crazykins)...

1.) I would like to extend this award to The Loverly Miss Shadowflame for her blog The Darker Side of the Fire, she lurks in the shadows, writes wickedly, and has amazing insights... stop by, be amazed and impressed by her amazing impressive strangeness!!

2.) Miss Bettielee of the Far Seeing Fariy Tales, never in all my life have I been as bowled over in hilarity with Bettie's great humor and strangly, fabulous words!!

3.) Mr. Lee Thompson, in his quest to love the world strange and make his dark path as enjoyable as possible Along This Path so Darkly

4.) Miss (I-got-nothing-but-harsh-truths-and-strange-funniness) Bambi, for the strange way she reports the news in the world today over at Bambi's BlogAssPhere

5.) Miss Tyhitia Green for how strangely she writes her obfuscations of reality! Obfuscations of Reality (strangely, I'm still trying to figure out what Obfuscations means :P)

6.) Miss Effie Collins, because anyone whose met her and loves her knows how wonderfully strange her Little Bits and Pieces are!

7.) Mr. Ben Solah, for the strange yet passionate way he blogs about his strange and political passions! Benjaman Solah

Of course, I would like to give out more awards, but I am a by-the-rules kind of girl! Be strange all of you, and love it!! Have a wonderful day to everyone!! Soon, I will be back, changed, strange and new things are abound! Make sure to pick up Cate's book pre-order it now!! 'Strange Men in Pinstripe Suits!!'